A Contemporary History of Hyrule
by TempleMaster17
Summary: Chapter 6 is here! Okay, I changed the genre back, will you review it now? Inside awaits the tragic tale of Fred the indefinite time period, followed by an unavoidable reference to a Weird Al song. REVIEW!
1. Foreword and The Birth of Hyrule

Well, well, well. It would certainly seem as though I have endeavored upon a new Zelda humor fic. I can't really say I've seen this done anywhere before, although I could be wrong. Anyway, I certainly _hope_ it's original and that you enjoy it. If you don't, feel free to flame, but _you'd better have a valid point if you do._ Otherwise, I will metaphorically rip out the feeble heart of your logic with my bare hands and eat it.   
  
--Disclaimer: [David Spade voice] Okay, if anyone doesn't know what goes here, kindly raise your hand and Tommy will come hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard.--   
  
**_A Contemporary History of Hyrule_**   
  
-**Foreword**-   
  
It has come to the attention of the editor of this text that the rich history of the land of Hyrule is drastically underrepresented in the series of games of disparate settings which are united under the title _The Legend of Zelda_. It has also come to his attention that forewords really suck, and therefore it is his pleasure to press onward without delay, in the most politically incorrect and unorthodox manner he can manage.   
  
-**Chapter One: The Birth of Hyrule**-   
  
Every culture has its legends. George Washington could not tell a lie. Abe Lincoln really cared about what happened to African Americans. Christopher Columbus discovered the Americas. Wrong, wrong, and (wouldn't you know it) wrong. The point is, legends are one percent fact (if that), ninety-nine percent horse crap, spawned from pride.   
  
It follows, then, that the idyllic picture of the immaculate Goddesses descending from the heavens to lovingly and meticulously craft the Kingdom of Hyrule is utter nonsense. What actually happened went something like this. Din, Nayru, and Farore, who really do exist, had had a bit too much to drink. They had been trying to conjure Pierce Brosnan to have a little fun, but in their inebriated state, needless to say, they botched it. So, instead of their handsome Hollywood hunk, they inadvertently created a small, empty section of space-time. While they were busy contemplating the physical applications of this happy accident, three things happened at once. Din, having just downed her fiftieth shot of vodka, threw up. Nayru, who had been munching bean burritos all night, let an almighty one rip. Farore just sneezed. Coincidentally, both Din and Farore were bent over, examining their new creation intently, while Nayru had just turned away from the coffee table on which it rested to head for the ladies' room.   
  
This disgusting turn of events led to the creation of Hyrule. The solids and liquids so unceremoniously ejected from the depths of Din's stomach became the geographic features of the fabled country. Nayru's gaseous by-products became its atmosphere, and the tiny droplets of mucus flung from the flawless nose of Farore became- you guessed it- fairies. No kidding. Fairies are Goddess snot.   
  
So, having just created a tiny world with which to tinker, the three drunken Goddesses got a-tinkering. First, they created the six major races: the Hylians, the Zora, the Gorons, the Gerudo, the Kokiri, and the Goobers. Goobers were a reptilian race not unlike Dodongos, the major difference being that the Goobers were a civilized society whereas the Dodongos were common beasts. Unfortunately, the Goobers were killed off early by the Hylians on account of their silly names, and the Kokiri, the envy of all as they never grew up, were banished to live in the forest with a bi-polar talking tree and a bunch of Goddess snot (fairies).   
  
Second came the various species of animals and, just to spice things up a bit, monsters. No one _really_ knows what possessed the Goddesses to create such horrors as Bongo-Bongo or Volvagia, but historical evidence seems to point toward hallucinogens.   
  
The five surviving civilizations got along just fine for about three hundred years. The Hylians specialized in weaponry- nowhere in Hyrule was there better steel to be found than that crafted by the Hylian master smiths. This was largely because the Hylians had swiftly cornered the market on steel, and so no one else had any to try to forge into anything. The Gorons specialized in explosives, which made them über cool in all eyes despite their inherent simplicity. The Zora were, naturally, master fishermen. Trade thrived. There being no important things left to monopolize for the sake of trade, the Gerudo went into floral design. They also made a healthy profit off the Kokiri by selling sand in bulk (for sand boxes).   
  
Then came the fateful day that would cause eternal strife in the peaceful land that, at first, was Hyrule. As Farore walked past the coffee table on which Hyrule rested, she bumped into it. As she reached down to massage her now aching knee, one of her earrings came off and fell into Hyrule. It was in the shape of three golden triangles put together so that they formed a larger triangle, empty in the middle.   
  
The bump of the table caused a massive earthquake in Hyrule. Virtually every being was knocked senseless, and when they awoke, there in the middle of Hyrule Field was what came to be known as the Triforce. It was rightfully taken to be an artifact of the Goddesses, and as such was promptly sealed away in what was then known as the Storage Area. Everything that the various races found to be particularly nifty but for which they could find no practical use was crammed into the Storage Area, with the intent of studying the artifacts and eventually discovering what they did one by one. Unfortunately, the Tenth Keybearer- the title bestowed upon the keeper of the key to the Storage Area- wandered too close to the Fire Temple and was promptly turned into a midnight snack by Volvagia. The ability to access the Storage Area died with him.   
  
As time passed, a certain mystique began to surround the Storage Area, as no one had been there in several generations. Eventually, after its location was long lost, it became known as the Sacred Realm.   
  
Just before the Ninth Keybearer died, a man named Yves Rufus Shiznat ascended the Hylian throne. The Ninth Keybearer made the mistake of laughing at his name, and was immediately sentenced to a horrible death. King Yves was not unused to such ridicule, however, and so he began a project that would prove that despite his terrible name, he was not actually a pansy. He determined to forge the most powerful sword Hyrule had ever seen, and, to his credit, he actually did, if only by accident. The problem was, Yves was a wonderful architect, but no engineer. He designed a beautiful sword, and forged it himself. Unfortunately, its structure was much too feeble- although he didn't know it. Just as he was about to quench the red-hot steel of his new creation in a barrel, an amazing and fortuitous thing happened. Nayru had just been tearing through the room in which the coffee table containing Hyrule sat, crying her eyes out. One of her tears fell directly into the bucket an instant before Yves stuck the sword in. Needless to say, the tears of the Goddess imbued the blade with miraculous powers. Yves dubbed it the "Hella Cool Sword," but in time it became known simply as the Master Sword. As its horrific powers became clear, however, it was decided that the Master Sword should be laid to rest in the Temple of Time and locked away forever.   
  
Thus the world of Hyrule as we know and love it was created. The next chapter will discuss the events leading to the familiar story related to us in _Ocarina of Time_.

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So, how was that? Amusing, I hope? Anyway, let me know what you think! Review! Do it! NOW! 


	2. War, War, and more War

Well, it certainly seemed as though people enjoyed the first chapter well enough. Of course, I would have written this chapter anyway, but it's better when you have people showing appreciation and whatnot.   
  
--Disclaimer: Don't really own anything. No heart attacks, now.--   
  
**_A Contemporary History of Hyrule_**   
  
-**Chapter Two: War, War, and more War**-   
  
By this time in Hyrule, the Council of Nations had been established. This body was much like the United Nations familiar to us, the chief difference being that the Council of Nations was actually capable of doing more than sitting there looking official. And do something they did. It was their decision to lock away the Master Sword, and as the silly idea of each of the five nations having absolute veto power was not an issue, they actually had the power to do it despite the protests of the Hylians.   
  
Furious with the decision of the Council, the Hylians called upon the Goddesses. At first they simply prayed quietly by themselves, but when that didn't work the now desperate Hylians all gathered in Hyrule field and began shouting at the top of their lungs. It wasn't long at all before the other races caught on to what the Hylians were up to, and they made the decision that the Hylians must be stopped at all costs. Thus began that chaos that was the First Battle of Hyrule Field. Hylians shredded beings indiscriminately with their superior swords. Gorons chucked explosives like nobody's business. Zoras slapped enemies with fish. Kokiri died by the second as they _tried_ to leave the forest and join the melee. Gerudo stole swords, bombs, and fish alike and then ran off with them. Yes, it was a dark day indeed for Hyrule, not to mention a very loud one. The noise of the battle managed to rouse Nayru, who had been sleeping on the couch next to the coffee table.   
  
Any and all Hyrulian legends about what happened next are so fantastical and blatantly false that they are not worth mentioning. The facts are these. A highly annoyed Nayru stuck her face right into the sky of Hyrule, demanding to know what was going on. The response to this was what is now known as The Great Finger Pointing, during which some Hylians are reported to have sprouted an extra arm just so they could point at all three of the other participating races (as mentioned before, the Kokiri could not leave the forest and thus were never involved in this or any subsequent Battle of Hyrule Field). When it finally became clear that they were fighting for control of the Master Sword, Nayru became even more annoyed. She ruled that since they couldn't settle it like mature adults, _no one_ would get to use the Master Sword except a special person who would be born if needed and reborn if needed again. Dejected, the various races went their separate ways to pout.   
  
Not unexpectedly, relations between the four races continued to deteriorate. The only trade between them was one of insults, although this trade certainly thrived. It was not uncommon for a Hylian smith or a Zora fisherman to turn to a career of writing new insults for their respective heads of state, whose creativity had run low, and make a healthy living doing it. Every time a particularly offensive insult was sent out, there was another Battle of Hyrule Field. There are a total of four thousand seven hundred and twenty-three recorded battles of Hyrule Field, as it was the only open space large enough to have a pitched battle in.   
  
While this bloody, vicious cycle may seem silly, it was actually quite necessary to keep Hyrule from being overpopulated. Without all of those battles of Hyrule Field, the world would have been packed like a can of sardines by the time the events in Ocarina of Time were about to unfold. It _is_ a small world, after all.   
  
One fateful day, while an innocent Hylian woman was taking a walk around Hyrule Field with her two-year-old son, another Battle of Hyrule took place. It is important to understand how these battles began. All four armies would rush into the field without warning, fight until those not killed all fell asleep, then in the morning they would go home. Anyway, this woman and her son were out walking in the field as the Two Thousandth Battle of Hyrule Field began to rage around them. The mother was injured by a particularly vicious fish-wielding Zora early in the battle, and spent the remainder of the day limping toward the Kokiri Forest.   
  
Now, the legend goes that the Kokiri took pity on the poor woman, took her to the Great Deku Tree, and allowed her son to stay in the forest as he grew up. Very little of this is actually based in fact. As she stumbled across the bridge and into the forest, the vicious Kokiri, still bitter that they had had no share of the battles for thousands of years, pounced upon the woman, bound her, and hauled her off to the Deku Tree to get his ruling. Luckily for her son, the Deku Tree, who was bi-polar, was in "nice mode" when they brought the woman before him. He had just finished saying that it would be fine for her son, whose name happened to be Link, to grow up in the safety of the forest, when his personality switched and he demanded that the Kokiri sacrifice the injured woman to him. The story passed down to Link was that his mother was _fatally_ wounded when she came to the forest, but this, obviously, was a sham.   
  
When Link was about five, a strange talking owl began to be noticed all over Hyrule. A very effective mediator, he had economic ties reestablished between the Gorons, Zoras, and Hylians within a matter of a few years. The Gerudo kept mostly to themselves, and the Kokiri really didn't matter, as they couldn't leave the forest.   
  
Thus, the world was restored to a semblance of harmony just before the young hero embarked upon his quest. The next chapter will briefly discuss the events of _Ocarina of Time_, and then move on to the events immediately thereafter.

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So, there's chapter two. I know these first two chapters have been a little on the short side, and the next one won't likely be too much longer, but chapter four should be a more reasonable length, I think. Please review! 


	3. The Golden Age and the Return of Ganon

Considering the fact that I have nothing else to do, have chapter three.   
  
-Disclaimer: Je ne possède pas "The Legend of Zelda." Il est à Nintendo, Inc.-   
  
**_A Contemporary History of Hyrule_**   
  
-**Chapter Three: The Hero of Time**-   
Section 1- _Ocarina of Time_   
  
For the most part, Nintendo's game _The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_ does a very nice job of presenting a historically accurate picture of what happened to Link between ages ten and eighteen (he didn't just breeze through all those temples in a week, you know). However, there are a few minor errors that are worth correcting.   
  
Firstly, Link was not a mute. He was a very outspoken young man- often too outspoken. During his first meeting with Princess Zelda, they actually spent most of the time debating the economic repercussions of the King's latest decree, arguing so heatedly that Zelda eventually sentenced Link to death. She relented only when Navi flew out of Link's hat in indignation. The conversation then continued as is shown in the game.   
  
Also, it should be noted that Zelda had not, in fact, hit puberty at age ten, as seems to be implied in the game.   
  
Another major difference has to do with Navi. She was the least intelligent of all the fairies in the forest, which is why she was assigned to Link. Her vocabulary consisted of three words ("hey," "listen," and "hello") and her voice resembled fingernails on a chalkboard. During the battle with Phantom Ganon, Navi's shrill "HELLO!" distracted Link, almost costing him his life. He promptly sliced her in half, and continued the remainder of his quest in blessed silence.   
  
Finally, Zelda revealed her identity to Link much sooner than is shown in the game. However, as it is the desire of the editor that this text be rated PG-13, he is not at liberty to discuss in any depth what happened during their first reunion. Or second. Or third.   
  
Section 2- _The Golden Age and Ganon's Return_   
  
After Link's epic defeat of the horror that was Ganon, it is common knowledge that he put the Master Sword to rest, presumably for good, and was returned to his childhood to live out his life as it would have been. There has been some controversy over whether or not he remembered his quest, but the fact that the first thing he did was sneak right back into Zelda's chamber seems to suggest that he did. Zelda, too, remembered how Link had, almost single-handedly, saved the land, and persuaded her father to arrange for his adoption by a wealthy Hylian family. He moved in with them immediately after, and was a nuisance right from the get-go. A ten-year-old with an arsenal as large as Link's was has the potential for mischief of huge proportions. The first thing Link did was put a bomb in the outhouse.   
  
Hyrule prospered. With peace came a few notable advances in technology and literature. A more advanced sewage system was implemented, and soon after the Hylians were enjoying the comforts of indoor plumbing. This, naturally, gave rise to the need for plumbers, a job willingly taken up by the Zora. While they did have some Hylian competition, Zora plumbers were generally much preferred as they eliminated the problem of having to deal with the, shall we say, saggy pants of humanoid plumbers.   
  
The Golden Age also gave rise to a parody movement among authors. Hylian literature, which until this point had been generally dark and dreary, soon became known for its upbeat nature and clever humor.   
  
From the time he was about twelve, Link spent all of his time at the headquarters of the Royal Guards. He fully intended to become the Captain of the Guard someday, mainly because he saw that as his best shot of getting a hot wife (namely, Zelda). However, just as he was initiated into the Guard at the standard age of thirteen, Princess Zelda mysteriously vanished.   
  
Contrary to anyone's expectations, though, Link did not quit the Guard when he heard the news. Nor did he quit after an extensive search had been performed, turning up nothing. He simply trained and rose quickly through the ranks of the Guard, attaining the rank of First Lieutenant by the age of nineteen. Contrary to most historical accounts, he did not use bribery.   
  
Then, suddenly, Link too disappeared. He returned a year later with Zelda. Exactly what happened to Link during this time is chronicled in Link's Quest to Find Zelda, a historical work by TempleMaster17. As it is the only account of this period, no statement can be made as to its adherence to the truth. The only _known_ facts are that Link was gone for a year, and when he came back Zelda was with him. Get those perverted thoughts out of your head.   
  
The day that Link left is widely recognized as the end of Hyrule's golden age. Within a week the King had died. While the official report cited natural causes, the fact that he was found dead in the middle of the square with a knife in his back went a long way to contradict this statement. With Zelda gone, there was no heir to the throne, and so a committee was appointed to nominate the next ruler of the Hylians. Several people were outspoken about why they were the natural choice for King or Queen, and most of them were wrong. One woman was reported to have claimed that she should be the next queen because she had crabs. Amused but slightly sickened, the committee asked her in the strongest possible terms to leave.   
  
The only candidate who seemed to make any sense was Impa, who was the Sage of Shadow and had been Princess Zelda's caretaker. However, the committee could not choose a candidate as king or queen until they had heard from every one of them. Thus, it was almost a year before it got down to the vote. That was the day that Link and Zelda returned to Hyrule.   
  
The two promptly made a beeline for the castle, and the first thing Link did upon finding the room where the committee was meeting was put an arrow in Impa. Zelda was made queen on sight, and she immediately pardoned Link, and later made him Captain of the Guard. Funny how things work out.   
  
As it turned out, Impa had been a traitor to the cause of justice and dippin' dots (which are the same thing, if you think about it), opting instead to aid in the return of the King of Evil, George Bush (Ganondorf's pseudonym that he used while imprisoned, under which he published several books advocating human sacrifice and polygamy). It also turned out that her efforts had been met with moderate success. Or maybe "moderate" is something of an understatement, as a week later Ganondorf showed up at the headquarters of the Guard to congratulate Link on his promotion. He promptly left, leaving behind a note as well as a very bemused Link. The note read:   
  
_Dear Link,   
Once again I congratulate you on your promotion to Captain of the Guard. Please give my regards to Zelda, as I hear she has been made queen following the tragic death of her father. Take my advice, and ask her to marry you. I think you two will be happy together. Sincerely,   
  
Ganondorf, the King of Evil.   
  
P.S. I will be killing one random person daily until stopped. But wait, you can't stop me without all seven sages, and it seems as though you've gone an put an arrow through the head of one of them, haven't you? HA! Sweet dreams...._   
  
The original copy of this letter still exists, and is on display in the Royal Hylian Library.   
  
Thus Ganondorf, aided by Impa, was able to make his return to Hyrule. The next chapter will discuss, on a side-note, the nature of the Sages and the Shiekah, then move on to how Ganondorf was dealt with for the second time.

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So, there's chapter three. Now give me feedback. And by feedback I mean what you thought of it and, more importantly, _why_. A comment like "It's good" or "It sucks" doesn't do me much good. Keep in mind that I have a lot of room here to make up anything that didn't happen in the games, so if there's some kind of event you'd like to see mentioned, tell me. Now, REVIEW! 


	4. The Shiekah, the Sages, and Ganon's Defe...

Aloha. Thanks to the weekend my homework is not so pressing and I can actually write. So have chapter four. And review it.   
  
-Disclaimer: Don't own Zelda. I guess I kind of own the coffee table, which is actually based on the real coffee table in the family room of my house, but I don't own all coffee tables. It'd be pretty cool if I did though. Then everyone who had one would have to pay rent to me. I'd make billions off Starbucks (which I also don't own). I'll shut up now and let you read chapter four. If you actually read this whole thing, you get a cookie, but you have to buy it yourself.-   
  
**_A Contemporary History of Hyrule_**   
  
-**Chapter Four: Ganon Gets Owned (Again)**-   
Section 1- _A Somewhat Irrelevant History of the Shiekah_   
  
The Shiekah were not one of the original six races. They're what some of you sports-minded people out there might refer to as an "expansion race." The whole idea started with a guy named Shiek. For those of you thinking, "Now wait a minute, wasn't Zelda's alter-ego named Shiek?" it certainly was. Before her disappearance she was sued by the Spirit of Shiek for violation of copyright, but the High Judge just laughed when she heard why Shiek was suing. For all of the details, you can look up the case _Spirit of Shiek v. Princess Zelda_.   
  
Anyway, it was just before the four hundredth Battle of Hyrule Field, when Shiek got this idea. His plan was to dress up in strange, tight-fitting blue clothes and put some rags on his head. His enemies, he hoped, would become so distracted by his strange attire that he could cut them down before they raised blade, bomb, or fish. It should be noted that Shiek had blonde hair.   
  
His plan, unfortunately, backfired. His blue outfit attracted a great deal of unwanted attention, and he spent all day fighting gallantly for his life. Amazingly, he survived the battle with no more than a bruise from a particularly large fish swung at him by a Zora. Heartened, he looked on his new get-up as a good luck charm, and wore it to each subsequent Battle of Hyrule Field during his lifetime. It ended up giving him much more combat experience than any other being alive, and he became the most revered warrior in the land. The moral of the story? Wear tight-fitting blue clothes and you become an über-cool ninja.   
  
Anyway, Shiek began accepting students, though for some unknown reason he only selected those whose hair color was similar to his own. They called themselves the Shiekah, and established a small settlement, which they dubbed Kakariko. The village soon became a popular place to live, as the Shiekah had such a reputation for ferocity and valor that no one dared attack them- aside from a few Goron practical jokers who, from time to time, would roll bombs down into the village from Death Mountain. In time, the Shiekah became the traditional guardians of the village. Also, because those of Royal blood have never been noted for their bravery, the Shiekah would traditionally send one of their warriors to guard the Hylian Royal Family. Pansies.   
  
Section 2- _A Somewhat Relevant History of the Sages_   
  
After the creation of the "Hella Cool Sword," the three lascivious goddesses realized that they had created something serious, so they decided that they should take some kind of precaution against evil. Using their mysterious powers of ambiguous origin and a completely unnecessary though highly amusing sort of rain dance (they were drunk again, mind), they created a few laws of nature in Hyrule that were anything but natural.   
  
The first law they set down was that anyone who would grow up to have both power and diabolical intentions would have a crazy name. This is why Ganondorf was christened how he was and not something normal like Fred. There were two reasons for this. Firstly, a kid with a crazy name being born would trigger the second and third laws. But more importantly, if this avatar of evil should have a normal name, think of what kind of a title he or she might have. Take Fred as an example, for the sake of continuity. _Fred, Fell Prince of Evil and King of Thieves_ just isn't intimidating at all. That's the kind of title that inspires wedgies, not fear and awe.   
  
The second law was that as soon as the kid with the funny name was born, six beings would be chosen to represent what the goddesses viewed as the six basic elements (Light, Shadow, Water, Fire, Forest, Spirit). Why they picked six elements and why they picked the six they did is still a mystery. Many historians suggest that some Jack Daniels and a few..._magic_...brownies may have had more than a little influence on these choices. Anyway, these six, when assisted by the two others detailed in the third law, would have the sole power to stop the evil.   
  
The third law stated that eighteen years before the confrontation would occur, two others would be born- a boy and a girl, in the interest of balance. Also to this end, the boy and girl were fated to have names equally as silly as their evil counterpart. The boy would be the Hero of Time, wielder of the Master Sword, while the girl would be the Princess of Destiny and the seventh Sage. Again, the strange names were necessary to make the epithets achieve their full effect. _Mary, Princess of Destiny? Richard (or worse, Dick), the Hero of Time?_ I think not.   
  
Section 3- _Ganon's (First) Less than Dramatic Return and Subsequent Defeat_   
  
So, to pick up where Chapter Three left off, one of the Sages had just been killed and Ganondorf had made his return. This is where TempleMaster17's account of what happened in Link's Quest to Find Zelda strays from the truth. In it, he claims that the remaining Sages turned Malon into the new Sage of Shadow and things went from there. This was not the case. The goddesses had not created a backup plan in case one of the Sages was killed. If you're thinking, "But that was stupid!" then you would be correct. But remember, they were most likely both high and very intoxicated at the time of their creation of the three laws, so a plan B probably never occurred to them.   
  
So what possible course of action was left to take? Was there no hope for the good people of Hyrule? Were they to be subjected to a lifetime of tyranny and servitude? Well, in all likelihood they would have been had Link not inadvertently discovered a loophole in the laws laid down by the goddesses. The next time Ganondorf came to Link's office to gloat, Link simply shoved the Master Sword into his skull, effectively incapacitating the King of Evil. This method was used again, as related in _Wind Waker_, but that is a story for a later chapter.   
  
Thus, peace reigned once again in the land of Hyrule. Chapter five will discuss the resulting Golden Age, which lasted much longer than the first one on account of the fact that the King of Evil was dead and not temporarily locked up. He was to be reincarnated, but again, that will come in later chapters.

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Heh, so the side-note sections ended up being longer than the "main" one. Ah well, that's life. Review. Now. 


	5. The Second Golden Age and Other Stuff

This one is a little shorter than the others, but please bear with it as this is the first time I've written anything in months. Many, many thanks to Stikibunn Baker for the two words "imprisoning war." They sparked the meat of this chapter. Mmmm...meat...and sticky buns to go with it. 

--Disclaimer: I don't not own nothing.-- 

**_A Contemporary History of Hyrule_**

-**Chapter Five: The Second Golden Age and the Imprisonment War**-   
Section 1- _Golden Age, Round 2. Fight!_

Link's creative rearrangement of Ganon's facial features made him, if it were possible, even more famous. Young boys everywhere were fascinated by the Hero of Time, and it became a favorite pastime among them to recreate Link's short though epic battle with the King of Evil on a regular basis. Much to the alarm and dismay of the boys' parents, this usually resulted in the death of one of the would-be thespians at each and every re-enactment. This led to the formation of Parents Intolerant of Superfluous Swordplay, commonly known by its acronym PISS. Full of self-righteous anger, the leaders of PISS decided to take action against the gallant Hero, petitioning Queen Zelda day after day to turn Link over for trial. After a week or so of this, Zelda's temper got the better of her, and she commissioned a famous Goron painter, Goravaggio, to create a sign to put up on the royal lawn to show PISS that they were no longer welcome. Thus, a month later, the phrase "PISS OFF" was coined. To this day, the sign is on display in the Royal Library. It hangs in the main entrance, and scares away the people who don't _really_ need to be there. 

This is but one example of numerous colloquial innovations of the Second Golden Age. Naturally, there were a great number of technological advances as well, the most prominent of which was the discovery of prisons. By coincidence, on the same day that the enormous "PISS OFF" sign was erected on the flawless lawn of the castle, Quigley L. Prison made an amazing connection. He found that he could effectively punish his young daughter, who was in the somewhat unfortunate habit of trying to knife random passersby, by isolating her in a room and putting a device on the door that kept her from getting out. Before long, he noted with pleasant surprise, her mildly delinquent behavior had been rectified. Within a month the idea took hold and in another month the first compound full of lockable rooms was constructed to keep criminals off the streets. The building was called a prison, in Quigley's honor. 

To put it mildly, prisons caught on. Prisons in Hyrule became, to the ruling elite, what Pokémon cards were to the opposite of the ruling elite five years ago in this world. The four civilizations vied for capacity superiority, the Gorons eventually coming out on top with their Fire Temple- or so they thought. No one knew that the Lost Woods of the Kokiri could serve as an adequate prison for all of Hyrule and then some. This was probably a good thing, however, as losing to a bunch of perpetual children would have irrevocably damaged the psyches of the four heads of state. 

Section 2- _The Great Imprisoning War_

Blissfully unaware of their defeat by the Kokiri and reasoning that it would be a shame to waste all of the lovely prison space, the four nations who weren't imprisoned in their own lands by magic began passing rather nonsensical laws that would allow them to fill up the cells. At first each nation targeted its own subjects, but soon realized that this was both stupid and very little fun. The laws began to change. For instance, there was once a law passed by the King of the Zoras that stated: 

_Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep._

Translated, this means that all Hylians must be thrown into Lord Jabu Jabu on sight. As a point of clarification, it should be noted that the gibberish word "ooweep" repeated twenty-three times does not really translate into anything. It is gibberish in both the Zora and Hylian tongues (though ironically it is a rather profane insult in Old Goron). The idea came from the mutterings of an earlier Zora King, who had sort of grunted them to Link while moving aside to allow the young hero access to Jabu Jabu, and the gibberish was merely universally understood to mean that all Hylians must be thrown into Lord Jabu Jabu on sight. 

As might be obvious to the perceptive reader, with the proliferation of such laws came rather amusing results. Eventually all the Hylians had been rounded up and lived in Zoras' domain, while the Zoras had been imprisoned by the Gorons who had been imprisoned by the Gerudo who had been imprisoned by the Hylians. This happened over and over again, causing a more or less continual migration of everyone but the Kokiri, who just laughed knowing little laughs. 

After a few years of this, however, the novelty wore off and everybody went home to resume the topic of the next section. 

Section 2.5- _The Second Second Golden Age_

Most historians generally agree that the Great Imprisoning War was merely a sort of pausing of the Second Golden Age rather than something that should divide a second and third Golden Age. This is mainly because the Second Golden Age would be far too short to really qualify as a Golden Age if it were to end with the commencement of the Great Imprisoning War, and the historians would never want to damage the ego of a Golden Age.

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Okay, people, I'm doing something new here (i.e. ending in the middle of chapter five). What I need are suggestions for cool stuff that was invented in the Second Second Golden Age, because I can't think of anything right now and if I tried to do it myself it would turn out like crap, which is not what any of us wants. So, with your feedback for this installment, I would appreciate it if you would kindly make a suggestion. Credit will, of course, be given for those suggestions that I use in any way. Now, review! 


	6. Fred

This chapter would never be here brooding and glooming about its existence if not for thine inspirèd words, Inimitable, so this one's for you in all its mock-angsty glory!

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-Disclaimer: Je ne possède rien- 

**_A Contemporary History of Hyrule_**

-**Chapter Five (yes, _still_, so cut the whining or I swear I'll turn this car...fic...thing...around!)**-   
Section 2.75- _Editor's Note_

The following section is different from any other section in this chronicle. It is the tear-jerking tale of Fred the Pyrite Age, and to fully convey the tragic tragedy of it all, the detached, matter-of-fact style with which the rest of this history has been written must be temporarily suspended. Thank you for your understanding. Now, arm yourselves with a box of tissues and delve into the black hole of indefinite time period angst that is... 

Section 3- _Fred's Story_

From the dark corners of wherever it is that historians tend to congregate- the content of many history books seems to suggest, to the editor of this text, swamps, politicians' minds, or some equally disgusting locale- have come whispers. Whispers to the effect that the Second Second Golden Age wasn't really a Golden Age at all. Whispers intimating that it was, in fact, closer to bronze, but with a strange tint to it that suggested a golden luster to the untrained eye. Whispers insinuating that the Hylians were duped by this would-be Golden Age, which the historians had fondly nicknamed "Fred." 

What this whisperer (and, indeed, the rest of Hyrule) did not know was that Fred was, in reality, a Pyrite Age. He is very touchy about this, because all of the other indefinite time periods (and perhaps the enlightened reader) know the more common name for Pyrite. 

Fool's Gold. 

When Fred was a young indefinite time period, he was exactly like all the other little Golden Ages. He did better in school than all the little Good Old Days, was better looking than the Great Depressions, was beaten up by the Wars, and so on. All perfectly normal for a Golden Age. 

Except for one thing. 

For as long as he could remember, Fred had lived with his mother. She was a beautiful Golden Age (think Athens), and Fred was proud to be her son. He had never known his father, though, but as his mother never mentioned him, Fred was content not to ask. He was, remember, an indefinite time period. Not a human. So rather than brood gloomily and sustain irreversible psychological damage due to the absence of a father figure, Fred created one in his mind. A fabulous Golden Age of a father who had been struck down by a horrible disease just months after his son was born. And Fred was proud to be his son. 

It was the day that Fred finished indefinite time period grad school with an ITP.D in Being a Long-Term Golden Age that the brilliant tower of his illusion, in all of its flying buttressed glory, came crashing down around (and possibly onto) his ears. Seated in the back of the room at the graduation ceremony were his mother...and a Stone Age, seated directly to her right. This meant nothing to Fred as he waved to her from the stage, diploma in hand. After all, his mother had come alone to this ceremony. For all he knew it was his buddy Johnny's dad- Johnny had earned his ITP.D in Being a Stone Age. 

The ceremony drew to an end, and as the graduates had to leave by a separate exit than their friends and relatives, Fred drove himself to the restaurant rather than riding with his mother. He noted as he walked in that she had beaten him there, and took the seat across from her with a grin. The grin was filled with the exhilaration of knowing that soon he would be going to work as Hyrule's Second Second Golden Age, that soon he would realize his ultimate dream. 

Then came the fateful bowl of soup. 

It was not the bowl of chicken noodle that was placed before Fred that was to have such staggering impact on an entire world, nor was it the bowl of mushroom placed before his mother. It was the third bowl, filled with tomato soup of a coloring that reminded Fred of nothing so much as freshly squeezed tomatoes, that was to dominate his destiny and cast its shadow on the land of Hyrule. 

"Hey Mom," he said. "What's with the bowl of tomato soup? It's kinda freakin' me out, you know? Reminds me of freshly squeezed tomatoes." 

"That's because it's made from tomatoes, dear," Fred's mother explained patiently. 

"Oh. But what is it doing here to my left?" 

"It's for your father, Fred." 

Fred began to drool into his chicken noodle soup, as his mouth had just commenced hanging open. "M-my father?" he asked, after several awkward moments of drooling. 

"That's right," his mother said gently. "Your father." 

"I don't understand," Fred whimpered. "My father is dead!" 

His mother looked at him quizzically. "Whatever gave you that idea?" 

"Er," Fred replied, not wanting to admit that he had invented the idea himself. 

Just then, the Stone Age that Fred had seen with his mother approached the table, sat down, and sipped a spoonful of his tomato soup. 

There was a very awkward pause that was filled by the resulting slurp. 

"If you're a Stone Age, and you're my father," Fred began calmly after a little while, as his insides continued to scream at him, "and my mother is a Golden Age...what does that make me?" 

Fred's father shrugged and sipped his soup. Fred's mother began to add salt to her own soup by a rather roundabout method involving crying. 

On a sudden impulse, Fred broodingly bit his presumably gold finger. Hard. It made his teeth hurt, and he resolved not to do it again. Then he reached across the table and bit his mother's hand. And there, in her index finger, were the tooth marks that were absent from his. 

"_PYRITE_," he wailed in a manner that suggested a newly discovered insanity, and fled the scene.

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-**Chapter Six: The First Pyrite Age of Hyrule and then a Little Backtracking**-   
Section 1- _The Pyrite Age_

Why the three goddesses elected to let Fred stay on as "Golden Age" after his depravity set in is one of the Great Hyrulian History Mysteries (along with other age-old questions such as _Why? How?_ and _What the hell _is_ mayonnaise, anyway?_). However, as it has been noted that Din, Nayru, and Farore had something of a penchant for all things alcoholic, certain inferences can be made. 

Fred's effect on Hyrule was devastating. While there were indeed the numerous advances in technology, medicine, and the arts that are so indicative of a golden age, each one was a double-edged sword with as much potential to harm as to help. One such invention was the double-edged sword. No one really knows why it was invented during a time of peace, but several expert swordsmen met gruesome deaths on their own blades as they struggled to develop a fighting style for the new-fangled contraption. Like many men before them, they had ignored the instruction manuals. 

The goddesses watched in mild concern as the Pyrite Age continued for one decade, and then a second. However, each time one of them remembered that this "Golden Age" had the highest fatality rate of all the Golden Ages from all the worlds, real or imaginary, she would take another shot and pass out for a while. 

And so, Hyrule was on its own for twenty years, suffering unwittingly at the hands of Fred. At the end of those twenty years, however, something wonderful and horrible happened (which was nothing new, of course). The guitar was invented. While this did lead to a lot of what many people called "radical awesomeness," it also meant the advent of something so hideous that it later got a paragraph all to itself in TempleMaster17's A Contemporary History of Hyrule. 

Country music. 

It spread like an auditory plague across the land of Hyrule, even extending into the isolated Kokiri Forest. Several of the children were killed instantly, and those remaining were soon slaves to it. There were precious few in all the world who retained their sanity and resisted, usually by curling up in the fetal position and whimpering. However, there were none who suffered the negative effects of country music as profoundly as Fred. In the middle of a particularly loud concert in the middle of Hyrule Field, Fred imploded and was immediately replaced by a Dark Age. 

Section 2- _So Whatever Happened to Link?_

After returning home from the Great Imprisoning War, Link took the advice Ganondorf had offered in his note a few years before. He proposed to Zelda, they were promptly married, and had two beautiful children named Nethaniel and SuperFly. He then led a long and fruitful life. Huzzah. 

It should be noted that he and his family were among the movement that resisted country music, as it had claimed the life of their godchild. 

Thus was the rise and fall of Fred the Pyrite Age, and the normal life of Link the family guy. The next chapter will discuss primarily the Dark Age ushered in by country music.

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Hmmm...another short chapter. Ah well, c'est la vie quelquefois, non? Anyone who can tell me the significance of the words "brood" and "gloom" in their various forms is utterly cool, though I pity you if you can. Anyone who leaves me a review is pretty cool too. Anyone who does both is probably a god visiting from an alternate universe or some such. 


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